First of all, for all those (expletive) people who haven’t figured it out… its A.L. Lehron, get it? Ail-er-on…say it with me…aileron. That’s good, now shut off your Hooked on Phonics CD and pay attention. It’s French, something ‘ole A.L. (Abraham Lincoln) doesn’t like to mention, particularly because I don’t really like too many Frenchman. Not that there’s anything wrong with France itself, I mean after all, the Germans invaded it, so how bad can it be? French wine is good, French women (well, most of ‘em) are better, and the Maginot Line is a marvel of engineering (cough, hack, wheeze). I do like a few Frenchmen, especially the ones who are grateful to the US and England that they’re not speaking German. The rest of you…well, go listen to Maurice Chevalier records and leave me alone.
People often ask me why I’m so angry all the time…why I’m so critical of my fellow modeler…well, it’s because you irritate me. No really…ever get stuck on a road behind a little old lady doing 30 mph? That’s my take on most of you. The ones who don’t irritate me, well, those are my friends, at least until they irritate me. Then they get lumped into the pile of unwashed modeling masses with everyone else.
I grew up as the son of a military man, so I learned early on that there’s no time for “lolly-gagging’ around. Say what you mean, mean what you say, otherwise, shut up and sit down.
Needless to say, my attitude as a child was not much better than it is right now, at least now, I have the common sense to shut my mouth when I have to…well, ok, some of the time.
I built models to escape from the tediam of everyday life. My parents, Mr. and Mrs. Lehron, agreed that it was safer to keep me in the basement with a tube of Testor’s glue than it was to turn me loose in public. This of course would come back to haunt them later on in life.
After college, I had a promising career as an actor, appearing in several well-known movies opposite some of the world’s most accomplished actors.
My two most notable films were ‘Monty Python’s Search for the Holy Grail”, where I played a leading role as Dead Man #4 in the “bring out your dead” scene, and as an attacking knight in the final scene of the movie.
With the success of the Grail film upon me, I agreed to a role in Mars Attacks! This was a great career opportunity, since I got to work alongside my favorite actress, Glenn Close. Well, actually, because of the court order preventing me from being no closer than 500 yards to her, I didn’t actually get to work alongside her in the literal sense. But I did get a chance to goose Natalie Portman. Ok, so she filed a restraining order too...that, sadly, ruined my chances of appearing in any of the Star Wars movies...
After Mars Attacks! I wanted a change in my life and decided that smuggling weapons to anti-communist rebels in South America was a nice change of pace. Unfortunately, I was captured in 1983 for providing SPAM to the rebels, and charged with 473 counts of culinary negligence against humanity. I agreed to turn state’s evidence against the processed meat industry and testified against them in 1986. Of course, not wanting to ruin my opportunity in the spotlight, I really "hammed" it up during my testimony (get it?).
After that case was declared a mistrial in 1988 (they inadvertently used the evidence, a tin of SPAM, to feed the jury), I was forced into hiding to avoid the SPAM cartel. I moved around a lot, and eventually ended up in the witness protection program in northwest Alaska, in a small town called Moose-Butt, population 12, where I reside to this day…ut-oh. You won’t mention to anyone that I told you that, will you??
So there…hopefully you’ve gotten a better idea of what makes ‘ole Abraham Lincoln Lehron tick…now…go away and leave me alone, I've gotta figure out a way to get all these new kits into the house without getting caught by my wife.
The Modeling Miscreant
PS: I really hope you don’t believe all this garbage...except for the part about how you irritate me. That's true for the most part. Sheesh, talk about a complete waste of electrons…but I’m willing to bet someone out there is gonna want a copy of my testimony from the SPAM cartel case of ’86.
PPS: To avoid any further lawsuits, I didn't really appear in those films mentioned above. There are some home movies circulating on the internet however (uhh...never mind). The restraining orders, well, they're still in effect.
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