A Happy Holiday Season to all my glue-sniffing, paint-huffing, green putty eating styrene brethren! (Admit it…all you guys who ate paste as a kid in school – the thought HAS crossed your mind, hasn’t it?)
Who in the politically correct world invented “Happy Holidays?” Well, personally, I think it’s stupid. Really. So…before I set off on another injection-molded tirade…
Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Ramadan, Kwanzaa, Bastille Day, Groundhog Day, Arbor Day (for you tree-hugging hippy freaks), Elvis-ain’t-dead Day (celebrated in Tupelo, Mississippi), etc. etc. etc. And for you atheists who don’t celebrate any holidays, well, Happy 50% Off at Hobby Lobby Coupon Day. I dunno what else to tell you…
That should cover everything, yes? Seriously, whatever holidays you celebrate, may they be calm, peaceful, and laden with photo etch, resin, and other things hobby related. That should pretty much include everyone, I hope. If I missed you, well, better luck next year, here’s your lump of coal…
So the holidays are upon us, and as a result, our hobby-time takes a serious hit. The kids are home from school, the in-laws are invading your normally peaceful home, and for some of you poor suckers, your spare-room workshop is being converted (back) into a bedroom for Aunt Millie, who complains about the residual paint smells while lancing her boils on your kid’s old twin bed with the Batman comforter. Don’t laugh, some poor guy is reading this right now, making a mental note to draw the blinds because old A.L. Lehron must be watching his house.
Brother modelers, this will pass, eventually. I’ve found that if I’m a gracious host, they never go away. However…removing the shutters from your home and reinstalling them – with a pneumatic nail gun – at 5am – is probably a little too obvious. Try frequent trips to the hobby shop. Even if you don’t buy anything, it gets you out of the house. To avoid being obvious, come home with eggnog or a homeless person once every 3 or 4 trips. “But honey, he’s not celebrating the holidays this year.”
Around the Lehron house, the holiday season means one thing – DEATH BUILD. This is old A.L.’s tactical response to Aunt Millie and her boils. What is a death build? It’s simple. Get in touch with 5-10 of your fellow modelers – not the “Gee, I dunno” types, but the manly “Let’s have a needle file fight” types. They arrive at your house on a Friday afternoon…and they don’t leave until Sunday morning (because even modeling takes a backseat to a good football game). The rules are simple.
1. You build until you drop.
2. You sleep where you fall (real men don’t sleep).
3. Profanity is a prerequisite.
4. War movies are a prerequisite, although the likes of Monty Python and other mindless humor is also allow. Nazi-era porn is also encouraged.
5. Food shall consist of manly things – chili that burns your intestines and makes you fart, Doritos, peanuts and cashews (heavily salted) and lots of caffeine-laden drinks. If you want a sugar-free-diet-freakin-Fresca, you’re not coming to this death build! Unless you have a doctor’s note and/or a diabetic, in which case, you get a pass (but you’ll still be ridiculed).
6. Anyone who mentions that they “miss their wife, girlfriend, mother-in-law” while at the death build (unless it involves nudity or lewd behavior) will be flogged – an old gym sock filled with used X-acto knife blades is the preferred method of punishment. 7. Anyone who blows off the death build had better have a damned good excuse. Good excuses include, but are not limited to, the following:
7a. I was called up by the Marine Corps, Army Rangers, Navy Seals, CIA. 7b. I made the semi-finals of the Ultimate Fighting Championship. (like we’re gonna argue) 7c. I blew the house up.(We need visual evidence, and a full report of how you did it) 7d. I’m in jail. (We don’t need to know why unless we’re posting your bond) 7e. I was with my mistress.
7.1.0 Bad excuses include, but are not limited to, the following: 7.1.1: I was cuddling with my girlfriend/wife. Mistress exclusion, see 7e. If you use this excuse, you’ve got more nerve than the rest of us. Bravo Zulu! 7.1.2: My wife said I can’t go. This excuse is in direct violation of Rule 6. 7.1.3: I have to take my kids to ______ . They’re kids, they have the rest of their lives to get over it.
That’s basically it…it’s a tried and proven concept that really works (the death build, not the sock filled with X-acto blades). It’s a brief interlude of all your favorite things, modeling, good buddies, food, war movies, dirty jokes, and lots of laughs. It’s probably a good idea to send the wife and kids home with Aunt Millie, at least for the weekend.
I guess I’ll cap this off right here. Today is a busy day…I have to run to the airport to pick up Aunt Millie, I need to put up the Christmas tree, hang the lights outside, and find those cute fuzzy reindeer antlers for my dogs. Hey, if I have to suffer, so do they!
In the meantime, keep modeling and keep doing stupid things while modeling, I need the material!!
Merry Christmas! (and Happy Hanukkah, Ramadan, Kwanzaa, Bastille Day, Groundhog Day, Arbor Day, Elvis-ain’t-dead Day, and Happy 50% Off at Hobby Lobby Coupon Day.)
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