the Modeling Miscreant
Happy Freakin’ New Year!!
Well folks, we’ve survived yet another chapter of Modeling with the Socially Deficient!! Wasn’t it fun kiddies?? And what exactly did we learn this time around, hmm??
Well, let’s review shall we?
We learned that modeling is a hobby, and it’s supposed to be fun. We learned that winning silly little trophies at a contest does not make up for the fact that you should probably shower and put on clean clothes before attending said show. It also doesn’t make you heir apparent to the plastic modeling throne. It just means that someone better than you didn’t show up that day. So get used to it, you’re not that special. In fact, you’re just another money-spending cog in the machine that keeps the plastic model hobby going. The sooner you come terms with that, the closer I’ll be to retirement.
The New Year brings the promise of a happy, fun-filled year of modeling enjoyment, and we respond to this gift by making resolutions, shallow, vain promises that we’ll try our utmost to be better people, at least until sometime in early February when we’re shouting insults at some loser in traffic.
Everyone usually makes New Year’s resolutions about serious things, like improving our health, seeing our folks or kids more often, or going back to church because you’re one year closer to getting into heaven. And all kidding aside, those are pretty good ones to stick to. But, as shallow and vain as we are, we actually make resolutions about our hobby…like we need more excuses to be anti-social in our basements while playing with nasty chemicals in enclosed spaces (that’s my excuse anyway).
Since most of you have a hard time reading, I’ve decided to compile a list of Modeling New Year’s Resolutions for you to consider. You’ll note that I’ve tossed a few serious ones in there, too. I can, because it’s my article, so there.
As a modeler of semi-sound mind and body, I hereby resolve to:
- Shower at least 12 hours prior to attending a model contest or club meeting.
- Wear clean clothes after said shower.
- Purchase deodorant.
- Try not to start a conversation with “That model sucks.”
- Refrain from insulting a fellow modeler before 10 minutes of conversation.
- Have my model show forms filled out prior to standing in line with 200 fellow mutants.
- Not fight an internal struggle over whether to buy a new kit or my kid’s braces.
- Support my local hobby shop, even if it means travelling an extra few minutes.
- Try to avoid starting 36 kits this year and only finishing two.
- Do my homework before opening my stupid yapper about modeling things.
- Teach a kid how to model, or bring an old-timer back into the hobby.
- Allow my Future clear-coat to dry at least 48 hours before applying Micro-Sol.
- Get those little triangle-widgets that fit onto the handles of X-acto knives, to keep you out of the Emergency Room.
- Buy a first-aid kit for the workshop (see above).
- No matter how badly I want to, I won’t look into the airbrush with the compressor on.
- Not to complain when the wife comes home with a new pair of $60 shoes, considering you just dropped $100+ on a new Trumpeter Mig-29. At least she’s going to wear her purchase.
- Donate kits and supplies to the troops overseas. Whether you agree with the war or not, they still need our support.
- Give up sniffing Tenax and Proweld once and for all.
Futhermore, I hereby resolve to:
- Not trash the quality of a model kit because I’m a terrible modeler to begin with.
- Not complain that I can’t win a contest because I still use Krylon paint and peanut butter to fill seams.
- Refrain from playing “Catch the X-acto” with my IPMS buddies, no matter how funny it is.
- Remove beer cans and chewing tobacco tins from my model photos.
- Write something pertaining to modeling, even if it’s in Crayon, for my local club newsletter, IPMS Journal, or website.
- Not to gripe, bitch, or otherwise complain about IPMS/USA unless I’m willing to do something to help make it better.
- Stop, think, and consider the implications of my actions before saying or doing something stupid!!! Ack ack ack !!!
If, by some remote chance, you actually resolve to any of these quality, life-improving suggestions, and you fail miserably, or if there’s blood, violence, or a Darwin Award nomination involved, just remember, I don’t really care. I didn’t force you to do it, and I have a lawyer to back me up. But…drop me a note anyway, I can always use the material and make fun of you!!!
Happy Freakin’ New Year!!!
(who resolves to continue speaking his mind on your behalf!)
The Modeling Miscreant